All You Need Is Chocolate

Of all the manufactured holidays, Valentine's Day is my least favorite. Although I remain ever the hopeless romantic, the spirit of the occasion was forever crushed for me by the indelibly cruel grammar school ritual of exchanging cards with everyone in your class. Surely you remember those 'value' bags of Valentines from back in the day, (I happen to know the teachers kept a few in their desks in case some kid's family couldn't afford them). There'd be a couple of big fancy cards, for your best girlfriend and your secret crush, a bunch of cute, if non-committal but at least medium-sized, cards for most of the others, and a handful of crappy little cards that pictured a postman putting a letter into a mailbox with the caption, "Just dropping by to wish you a Happy Valentine's Day," for the kids you'd never noticed before or just plain didn't like.

The only time I got one of the big cards from a boy was in 5th grade, from Frank (not his real name) Crabb. Having been 'held back' several years, Frank was 13 and the only kid in grammar school who smoked cigarettes and shaved. Already a sexual deviate, he had an unnerving habit of accidentally bumping into budding prepubescent girls in the hallway and grabbing their breasts. And no, Frank did not go on to become a doctor or president of the local bank, despite what my mother tried to tell me that night in a vain effort to cheer me up. (Last I heard he was in prison, but I can't say for what. We kind of lost touch.)

My secret crush, Bobby Smith, who did become a doctor and to whom I'd given one of my big Valentines -- a sad-eyed, droopy-eared puppy holding a huge heart its paws and the text, "I'm begging to be your Valentine" -- gave me the postman putting a letter into a mailbox with, "just kidding," written on the back. And, no, I am not making this up.

Fortunately, there was chocolate, Hershey's Kisses, the gateway to Godiva. My mom just handed me the bag and let me eat all I wanted. (It was a lot easier than explaining the cutthroat world of adolescence I was about to enter, where my social value would be judged solely on my bra size and ability to French kiss without gagging.) It turned out to be the most important thing I'd learn from her.

Any of you ladies who've spent hours making the perfect chocolate truffle cheesecake mousse for your significant other on Valentine's Day, even though you know that's not what he really wants,  know who that chocolate extravaganza is really for. So let's cut to the chase. You want chocolate. It's never let you down, and it never will. It doesn't have to be fancy, and it doesn't have to take all day to prepare; it just has to be rich, and satisfying. (I leave you to draw your own comparisons.)

So whether you're spending Valentine's Day solo or with your soul mate, it's time to get out your heart-shaped dish or pan, (you know you have one), splurge on some top quality chocolate and cocoa powder, and whip up a quick and easy chocolate fix that hits all the right spots every time; hot fudge, cake, creamy pudding, and 72% cacao. All you need is chocolate.

HOT FUDGE PUDDING CAKE

1 cup cold brewed coffee mixed with 1/2 cup water OR 2 teaspoons instant coffee dissolved in 1 1/2 cups water
2/3 cup unsweetened cocoa powder (divided)
1/3 cup packed brown sugar
1 cup granulated sugar (divided)
6 tablespoons unsalted butter
2 ounces semisweet or bittersweet chocolate, chopped
3/4 cup unbleached all-purpose flour
2 teaspoons baking powder
1 tablespoon vanilla extract
1/3 cup whole milk
1/4 teaspoon salt
1 egg yolk

Adjust oven rack to lower-middle position and preheat oven to 325 degrees. Spray an 8-inch (8 cup) cake pan or dish with baking spray.

In a small bowl, stir together 1/3 cup of the cocoa, the brown sugar, and 1/3 cup of the granulated sugar. Set aside.

Melt butter, with the remaining 1/3 cup of cocoa and the chocolate in the top of a double boiler. Whisk until smooth, cool slightly.

Sift flower and baking powder together, set aside.

In a medium bowl, whisk together the remaining 2/3 cup granulated sugar, vanilla, milk and salt. Whisk in egg yolk. Add chocolate mixture and then flour mixture, whisking until batter is evenly moistened.

Pour batter into prepared baking dish. Sprinkle cocoa sugar mixture evenly over batter (should cover entire surface). Then pour the coffee gently over the top.

Bake about 45 minutes, until cake is puffed and bubbling and just beginning to pull away from the sides of the dish. Do not over bake. You want to keep that gooey, hot fudge pudding on the bottom.

Cool for about 15 minutes. Serve warm with vanilla ice cream, no substitutes. Leftover cake can be reheated in the microwave in individual serving dishes. That is, if you don't eat it all at once. But you probably will.

Don't Eat The Plastic Baby

In New Orleans, (and particularly if you're Catholic), the holiday party season kicks into high gear just when it's winding down for everybody else. Mardi Gras festivities begin on January 6, (also known as "Epiphany," "Twelfth Night," and "King's Day," it's the day the fabled three kings visited the baby Jesus, bearing swag and likely jockeying for position in the blessings queue), and end on Fat Tuesday, which is the day before Ash Wednesday, which signals the beginning of Lent, with its requisite deprivation, weeping, wailing, and gnashing of teeth.

Confused? Okay then, let's forget the Catholic part, (most eventually do), and talk cake, King Cake to be precise.

The European custom of King Cake parties during Carnival season was brought to the southern United States by colonists from France and Spain, and dates back to eighteenth century New Orleans. Shaped in the rough approximation of a crown, (use your imagination), and decorated in the Mardi Gras colors of purple (justice), green (faith), and gold (power), the traditional King Cake is really more sweet bread than cake. Think coffee cake with a message and a tiny plastic doll tucked inside to represent the baby Jesus. Whoever gets the plastic baby is obligated to host the next party, but will also blessed with good luck throughout the coming year. That's providing, of course, that you don't swallow the baby; in which case you probably won't be expected to do anything, and you can forget the good luck too, since you'll likely have choked to death.

Done right though, King Cake is well worth the risk; a damn good coffee cake with a whiff of danger and a taint of the divine. As an honorary lapsed Catholic New Orleanian, (by marriage), I decided to embrace my inner fat chick parading Uptown in a skimpy mermaid costume with fishnet stockings, stilettos, and blessed little else, and made King Cakes myself.

The hardest part was finding little bitty plastic babies and purple sugar crystals. I finally located a bowl full babies at a hobby shop in North Hollywood, for just 50-cents apiece, and found the elusive purple sugar crystals at Sur La Table. I made the dough in a double batch, and filled one cake with a traditional cinnamon filling and the other with cream cheese. They were both very good King Cakes, and nobody swallowed a baby. Laissez les bon temps rouler.

TRADITIONAL KING CAKE
(Makes enough dough for two cakes)

1 16-ounce container sour cream
1/3 cup sugar

1/4 cup butter
1 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon nutmeg (freshly grated, if possible)
2 1/4-ounce envelopes active dry yeast
1/2 cup warm water
1 tablespoon sugar
2 eggs, lightly beaten
6 to 6 1/2 cups bread flour (or all-purpose flour)
1/2 cup butter, softened

Fillings of your choice (see below)

Creamy Icing

Green, Gold and Purple sugar sprinkles

2 plastic babies

Heat first 5 ingredients in a medium saucepan or double boiler over low heat, stirring often, until butter melts. Set aside and cool.

Stir yeast and 1 tablespoon sugar into 1/2 cup warm water and let stand 5 minutes. (Make sure to use a bowl or container with at least a 2 cup capacity as this stuff bubbles up and over.)

Beat sour cream mixture, yeast mixture, eggs and 2 cups of the flour at medium speed with a heavy-duty electric stand mixer until smooth. (NOTE: Bread flour produces a light, airy cake. Cakes made with all-purpose flour will have a denser texture.)

Replace mixer beaters with dough hook, reduce speed to low, and gradually add remaining flour (4 to 4 1/2 cups) until a soft dough forms.

Turn dough out onto a lightly floured surface and knead until smooth and elastic (about 10 minutes). Place in a well-greased bowl, turning to grease top.  Cover and let rise in a warm place for about 1 hour, until dough is doubled in bulk.

Punch down dough and divide in half.  Roll each half into a rectangle (about 22 x 12 inches).  Spread each rectangle with 1/4 cup of the softened butter, leaving a 1-inch border on each side, followed by the filling of your choice.

Roll up each dough rectangle, jelly-roll fashion, starting at 1 long side.  Place each roll, seam side down, on a large baking sheet lined with parchment. Bring the ends together to form a ring, pinching the edges to seal.  (NOTE: Placing an oven proof ramkin in the middle makes it easier to form the cake and keeps the sides from fusing together as it bakes.)

Cover the cakes and let rise in a warm place for about 30 minutes until doubled in bulk. While the cakes are rising, preheat the oven to 375 degrees.

Bake at 375 degrees for 15 minutes or until golden.  (Don't be concerned if the dough splits during rising and baking and some of the filling leaks out, that's what the parchment is for!)

Find a likely spot and push a plastic baby down into each cake. Cool on wire racks. Ice with creamy frosting (recipe follows) and sprinkle with green, gold and purple colored sugars, alternating to make bands.

CINNAMON PECAN FILLING
(double ingredients for two cakes)

1/2 cup packed brown sugar
1 1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/3 cup chopped pecans
1/4 cup all-purpose flour
1/4 cup raisins
1/4 cup melted butter

Combine all ingredients, crumble onto buttered dough rectangle.

CREAM CHEESE FILLING
(double ingredients - except egg - for two cakes)

1/2 cup sugar
1 8-ounce package cream cheese, softened
1 egg
1 teaspoon vanilla extract

Beat all ingredients with electric mixer until smooth. Spread onto buttered dough rectangle.


CREAMY ICING
(Makes enough for two King Cakes)

6 cups powdered sugar
6 tablespoons butter, melted
4 tablespoons fresh lemon juice
1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract

4 to 8 tablespoons milk

Stir together first 4 ingredients.  Add 4 tablespoons milk, then additional milk, 1 teaspoon at a time, until icing reaches spreading consistency.

Ice cakes, sprinkle with sugars, eat, enjoy!